the last days of cigarettes

Another year. Time goes so quickly now - I can barely keep up. It's funny isn't it? These days I never know when it's the weekend or a new month or even when it's time to go shopping or do the laundry

But I wanted to tell you that it's over. Really, this time. It's been a long romance - and you have left me with a lump in my throat and maybe a hole in my heart. You are always there waiting for me I know but you're killing me and each kiss leaves me gasping for breath. There is hardly anywhere we can go together now anyway and without you they say things will be better. Serge Gainsbourg, Bill Hicks, Humphrey Bogart, every French film I ever saw, every 1940's film I ever saw will always remind me of you. Clerkenwell and London will never be the same. Post coital langour, the drinking dens, the end of the evenings, waterloo bridge, Paris will never be the same.

We took drugs together, made love together, sung together. we even managed to dance together. You kept time through all those conversations about life, love, lust, longing. I shared you with friends, took you to business meetings, introduced your guest appearances on stage. I hid you from my family for so long but you forgave me. You always forgave me. You were always there waiting.

You are long and pale and slim. I have unwrapped you so many times. You make me burn. I can catch your scent - right here, right now

Will you forgive me this? For I am leaving you. Will i miss you? I hope so and I hope not.....

Yes, i really must give you up

with love

Stephen